Three Laws of Graduation

Circa 2108

Sir Icaas Tewnon, though famous for his seminal work in Mechanics, his theories on the prediction of graduation formulated during while still a grad student at the Jaypee Institute of Information Technology remain his most important contribution to the academia.

First published in 2079, Sir Icaas Tewnon's "Procrastinare Unnaturalis Principia Mathematica" is often considered one of the most important single works in the history of science.

First Law

"A graduation student in procrastination tends to stay in procrastination unless an external force is applied to it"

This postulate is known as the "Law of Inertia" and was originally discovered experimentally by Lagileo four years before Tewnon was born when he threatened to cut his grad student's funding. This resulted in a quickening of the student's research progress.

Lagileo's observations were later perfected by Tescades through the application of "Weekly Meetings".

Before Lagileo's time, it was wrongfully thought that grad students would rest only as long as no work was required of them and that in the absence of external forces, they would graduate by themselves.

It's Second Law is the most powerful of the three, allowing mathematical calculations of the duration of a graduate degree.

Second Law

"The age, a, of a grad student is directly proportional to the flexibility, f, given by the faculty, and inversely proportional to the student's motivation, m"

Mathematically, this postulate translates to:

age = flexibility/motivation

a = F/m

Thus,
F = m a

This law is a quantitative description of the effect of the forces experienced by a grad student. A highly motivated student may still remain in a grad school given enough flexibility. As motivation goes to zero, the duration of graduating goes to infinity.

Having postulated the first two Laws of Graduation, Sir Icaas Tewnon, the grad student, was still perplexed by this paradox: If indeed the first two Laws accounted for the forces which delayed graduation, why doesn't explicit awareness of these forces allow a grad student to graduate?

It is believed that Tewnon practically abandoned his graduate research in Celestial Mechanics to pursue this paradox and develop his Third Law.

Third Law

"For every action towards graduation, there is an equal and opposite distraction"

This Law states that regardless of the nature of the interaction with the faculty, every force for productivity acting on the grad student is accompanied by an equal and opposite useless activity such that the net advancement in his graduation research is zero.

Tewnon's Laws of Graduation were ultimately shown to be an approximation of the more complete description of Graduation Mechanics given by Uinstein's Special Theory of Research Inactivity.

Uinstein's theory, developed during his graduate work in Zurich, explains the general phenomena that, relative to the grad student, time slows down to nearly a standstill.

(From Encyclopaedia Britannica)